Because that last post got me thinking about the pressure to perform well in east asian cultureshere’s the poem, “Suicide Note,” by Janice Mirikitani:
(TW: suicide, ableism, detailed description of low self-esteem)
… An Asian American college student was reported to have jumped to her death from her dormitory window. Her body was found two days later under a deep cover of snow. Her suicide note contained an apology to her parents for having received less than a perfect 4.0 GPA.
How many notes written …
ink smeared like birdprints in snow.
not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough
dear mother and father.
I apologize
for disappointing you.
I’ve worked very hard,
not good enough
harder, perhaps to please you.
If only I were a son, shoulders broad
as the sunset threading through pine,
I would see the light in my mother’s
eyes, or the golden pride reflected
in my father’s dream
of my wide, male hands worthy of work
and comfort.
I would swagger through life
muscled and bold and assured,
drawing praises to me
like currents in the bed of wind, virile
with confidence.
not good enough not strong enough not good enoughI apologize.
Tasks do not come easily.
Each failure, a glacier.
Each disapproval, a bootprint.
Each disappointment,
ice above my river.
So I have worked hard.
not good enough.
My sacrifice I will drop
bone by bone, perched
on the ledge of my womanhood,
fragile as wings.
not strong enough
It is snowing steadily
surely not good weather
for flying - this sparrow
sillied and dizzied by the wind
on the edge.
not smart enough.
I make this ledge my altar
to offer penance.
This air will not hold me,
the snow burdens my crippled wings,
my tears drop like bitter cloth
softly into the gutter below.
not good enough not strong enough not smart enoughChoices thin as shaved
ice. Notes shredded
drift like snow
on my broken body,
covers me like whispers
of sorries.
Perhaps when they find me
they will bury
my bird bones beneath
a sturdy pineand scatter my feathers like
unspoken song
over this white and cold and silent
breast of earth.
The theme of this poem strikes a chord with me. I hate to hear people say things like, “Asians are just good students” or the assertion that they like to study or that somehow they are inherently better at it— that just invalidates their work. Imagine being good at playing the piano because of practice and (maybe) passion, but having most people attribute it to your race: “Oh, of course, it’s because you’re Asian”. How in hell would I choose to be “studying” or being “good at everything” at the sacrifice of finding out what I truly care aboutand learning how to interact with people? Many Asian-American “model students” deal with some complex, severe, and unhealthy pressures. The pressure is very real and very cold. Much of my past low self-esteem, depression, and attempted suicides directly related to an upbringing in a household run by high parental expectations with almost no recognition of emotional/social needs, no affirmation, and where my desires and aspirations were rarely acknowledged as valid or worthy. My self-worth was based on grades and being able to do things that my parents could be proud of, which meant trying to be “the best” at anything in which I was involved. I don’t think my parents understood how their expectations and strict rules made me feel worthless and desperately trapped. It took a long time to break away from that mentality of striving for that narrowly defined success. It’s taking longer still to have a relationship with my parents where we can discuss the reasoning behind their expectations, where I can explain my values and needs, and where we can express emotions— both positive and negative— in a healthy way.
On a side note, I’ve seen this poet! Janice Mirikitani works at the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco. I am not religious or spiritual but went to service one Sunday because I heard the reverend was good. He spoke about the under-representation of women in Christianity, stated several times that Bible was written by mere men, and basically said, “Go educate yourself on feminism. Now.” They’re a couple, just to max that awesomeness.
